Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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