Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
