i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
