I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
