Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
