I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
