Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
