I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
