he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
