he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
