youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
