The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
