i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
