Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
