I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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