When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
