I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
