So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
