Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
