He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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