hotel room ftw
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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