I faked an abortion last night.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
