The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
