i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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