Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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