so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
