and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
