made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
