I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
