hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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