and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
