You're my little dorito
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
