I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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