he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
Thatβs because itβs 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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