I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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