i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
