i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
