Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
