I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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