Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
