Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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