Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
