I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
