I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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