New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
