I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
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