I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
