I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
