A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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