she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
