I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
