I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Randomize