i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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