its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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