The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
