My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
