I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
