I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
