i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
