the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Randomize
